Well, it's been a little more than six months now since I had my first heartbreak. I guess I survived half a year and I think I will need all the courage and the will power to survive many more months that will eventually turn into years and perhaps decades until I heal completely.
Thinking back about the days I spent being with her for a brief few moments, I will never forget them and will never regret proposing to her. It did hurt being rejected right away, but I guess I needed it. It was lust, infatuation, and not really love that I had for her as I later began to think about it. Well, I guess I knew it was coming but I was never expecting to be hit so hard. I was pinned on my back. It was like being hit by a powerful heavy weight boxer who just delivered his best ever right hook punch on my face and I couldn't get up.
Recently, I was pouring out my tale of woes to a friend of mine who was patient enough to lend me his ear. Guess, having several round of drinks worked, as I talked a lot and I still happened to remember them all. He asked me a few questions and I thought a bit over it to realise what he was arriving at.
Did I ever feel any positives vibes or any positive energy radiating when I was with her? Call this vibes as a force, like Luke felt it in Star Wars. - No!
Did I feel that she encouraged me to do better and be a better person? - Well, somewhat but not really.
Did she come looking for me and felt lost when I wasn't around? - No!
Did she seem happy being with me and I being with her? - No to former and Yes to latter.
Did she do anything very simple for me that made me feel special? Be it anything like sharing a meal or a beverage from the same cup even it was a small sip? - No, never! (And he knows I don't like anyone dipping their used cutlery or even hands into my plate or sipping together from a cup, unless I really really dig that person be it a girl or a guy!)
Did she ever share anything about herself, maybe her past or what she feels right now or what she wants to do later? - No, never!
Was she always smiling and felt happy seeing me after a long while? - No!
Did she ever ask you how you day went at work or shared her day at work without you asking her? No! Well, I used to but I think she hardly listened.
There you have it! What's wrong with you? Read the signals or signs and they are pretty clear, you fatheaded, moron, twat, idiot! If any or some of the answers were a Yes from the person's side, then there was some spark, a positive one to keep the flame going strong. Here there were none! It was all cold vibes and that was bringing you down and you were not aware of it at all.
I realised that it was all true. There was absolutely no spark between us. I was being selfish and was only thinking about me and being with her. Wasn't bothered about what she thought about me or liked me or even cared about me. Guess, he was right about it after all.
A few pegs downed and then he took control, in charge of the entire thing and I being more drunk than him, found it hard to keep quiet but I had to listen for I realised there was some drunk wisdom from one drunkard to another more drunkard.
He said (from what I remember vaguely after being extremely high on several rounds of beers, whisky, vodka, Jagerbombs, Tequillas, a few imported Cuban cigars) -
Fall in love with that girl and give all you have to her when you feel that strong positive vibes between the two of you. It is these vibes and energy that will keep you both going stronger together. As you are Star Wars freak, and a big Darth Vader fan, but consider these vibes or energy as the good one that Master Kenobi, Luke Skywalker and Yoda talk about. Not the dark side of the force but the good one. You getting it? Good! It may take a while but eventually it will turn out well. Before you pop that question to her, ask yourself these questions I've asked you. If you feel there are more Yeses as you use your hunch, that is when you ought to pop the question. She may have had a bad experience in her past relationships and is a bit hesitant to take that step forward. This is where you should take that control and assure her that you are always there for her. You may not be able to make her forget her past, but make sure you'll never make her visit that past again. Accept her and her past wholly, embrace it, and never remind her of it, even when you have your share of fights with her however bad it may be. Give her a future she wanted but make it a good one and give her something more she never expected. That's how it should be. Say, you have proposed to her now. If the reply is a quick No, then you have felt the force in a wrong way. Is she is silent when you proposed to her? She is trying to use some time to reply? Just remember she is trying to figure out how to reply. If she is already seeing someone and hasn't told you about it, maybe she is feeling a bit insecure with him and is not certain if it will be him at the end. If this is the case, do not to break that relationship she has with that person for she may lose trust in you or anyone in fact and will forever be insecure. Talk to her, assure you're there for her, remain in touch but don't be a creep and don't be lecherous too. That will psyche her out and all that positive vibes will turn negative and if there was any chance you ever had, you will lose out completely and you will be back to square one. And the main thing is, you don't be an option to her. You should be her priority just as she is yours. That's the way relationships work.
At the end, even if it doesn't work out, remember you gave it all you had and you could. You're a good, generous, well mannered, big hearted, a very decent chap who means no harm. You're an amazing guy and we all are lucky to have known you. You have those rare qualities and it takes time for any girl to see through these and realise it. You have that love in you and I'm sure it will never be empty even if it's for the wrong ones. Just be yourself and don't ever change for anyone. You're honest and open and don't hold back any secrets once you really like that person and that's good. But too much of it is too bad as well. Just be yourself, never hide who you are in any relationship and knowing you, I don't think you should have this problem. Just be yourself and let things be and go as they are. Be confident, be positive and that will take you in the right direction for girls like these qualities in any guy. Girls feel safe and confident with you for they know you'll treat them nice and like a queen or a princess and they like that. Treat them as your best friend and not as just your girlfriend. Never treat them as a trophy or a prize you've just won. They don't like that either. Love starts between friends especially when they are best friends who share everything, their secrets, their thoughts, their past, their hopes, and so on. Be their best friend, their confidant, someone who can be trusted upon, and never break that trust and confidence. Build that trust and that will gain you a lot of love and respect from her. You are a very humourous person and you love to make others laugh. Use that skill with her and watch her falling in love with you. I know you are at times shy with girls, but I'm confident that it will work out well if you try hard enough.
This is my two pence of thought for you. Think about it and decide on your next steps. It will take time to find that right girl but I know you'll end up with someone who will be proud to have you. Be calm and be patient. And lastly, never regret loving someone, even if it's the wrong one. You have a good heart and keep that spirit going always.
PS: the above delivery is only what I understood and remembered and is not exactly what he said. There are a few things I may have added or deleted but it is a gist of what he told me.
Phew! I sat and listened to him slurring at times but I never interrupted him. At the end of that discourse he fell asleep and I was awake wondering what to do next. It was well past 4 am and I was thinking whether to sleep or to pour myself another tissue restorer and drag a puff of those tempting cigars until I drop dead.
Will remember what he said and until then will close my heart to all and never allow anyone to enter. It will take time to heal and I know I'll heal soon. It was a miracle from Baba that I'm now in the UK on a one year assignment and this is helping me forget her. Although there are occasions I remember her as I see couples here cozying up and cuddling but those feelings are lesser now. She is slowly becoming a memory and I hope she fades out soon.
Like he said, I never regretted loving her very strongly. Tomorrow even if I meet some one with whom I shall share those strong vibes, and if it doesn't work out again, I shall still never regret loving her to, telling her that I am in love with her. Will try and apply whatever I heard from him and see how it goes. I know it requires patience and time. This is all I have and I can do for now.
Until then I guess I will wait for those strong vibes or that force to feel me, to search for me. And I know it will be soon and a powerful one too. She may be her normal self, but it is her strong vibes that will attract me and she may or may not be aware of it. But I'm sure she will understand me eventually and using that strong force we will be happy together. Until then, I'll just......
Vinay
29-Oct-2011
02:45 GMT (London)
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