Why UK?

Dunno why, but this is a fact. Since childhood days, I've always been fascinated towards Europe rather than the USA. People generally look at the USA for working and eventually settling, but I was different. For me it was either Germany or the UK.

In 2007, my dreams of visiting this great country was realised when I was here for about 3 months, in London and Birmingham. I enjoyed every bit of those golden months.

Later in the year 2011, I had to make a choice. I was presented with 2 very tempting offers. Both of them had to be dealt with carefully, for either of them would change my life in their own way. The choices offered were.

a. A reputed US firm offered me a very tempting position in their Bangalore location with an extremely tempting hike. This hike would have taken me to a level that would be on par with some standard expectations.

b. Within my present company, I was offered an exciting role in the UK with an interesting client. The role and pay package were different, less tempting in pay. But the location was something to die for.

Weighed the two options carefully and finally decided to take the second option, after much thought and deliberation i.e. coming to the UK.

Reasons for choosing UK:

1. Finally getting another opportunity to work in the country of my dreams.
2. Opportunity to work for the British people directly and also experience their culture.
3. Today, I'm a bachelor without any commitments of any sort. This means that I have all the independence to do whatever I want to, go where ever I like etc. Getting this opportunity before I get murdered (metaphor for 'arranged' marriage. Suicide is my metaphor for 'Love Marriage') that too in this my age of 29 years is rare.
4. Wanted to come here for some fun and seeing and meeting new people. Did not even come here for saving or minting money. I feel that I'm young and have several years to go. So technically speaking I have time for all that saving etc.

These are some of the reasons that I can remember from the top of my head for the reasons why I chose UK over the reputed US firm.


As usual, there were people around me, who were not very happy in me taking up this offer as they felt that going to the UK is not a very good idea. The primary reason being India was under the British rule for more than 150 years and this has left a very sour note on we young Indians. I agree, we were humiliated on several occasions. Several people have lost their lives ensuring that the future Indians will live in an Independent India. But, this was 65 years ago. We have to move on. If we look back, we need to learn from the mistakes and try not to repeat them. If you keeping looking at the past, then you will never go ahead. This is what I believe in. There will surely be counter arguments as everyone's view of looking at things are different.

Of course there were  some who supported me in my decision. They felt that I was getting chiefly too British in many ways, back in India, like

1. Using some of the words, expressions, slangs that are specific to this side of the continent.
2. Mannerisms are pretty similiar. These include
1. Being polite (by saying Please) when asking for something 
2. Keep saying Thank You to everyone and for everything. 
3. Saying Cheers at the end of every meeting, informal or formal too. (OK, this is something I learnt when working for a British client!) 
4. Apologising for things (by saying Sorry!) even though I'm not at fault!
5. Opening the doors for others to pass
3. Prefer formal wear (minus the neck tie and the coat, please) even during weekends!
4. Very punctual for any events and gets a bit cranky when others are not on time.

(I now suspect, if I have a British accent too. Nah! I don't think so. Do you? Agree, sometimes I do put on a false accent, just to annoy the listener.)


Anyway, here I am in the UK for the next 1 year. Perhaps it was written that I shall visit this place. Some people call it luck, whilst others call it destiny. Perhaps I would say that it was written, it was destiny that I would eventually come here one day. It would also be best left to destiny as to what happens from hereon.

Sometimes, I do not know whether it was a right decision or the wrong one of mine coming to the UK. But, as they say, sometimes a wrong decision proverbially takes you the right places. This is something I still need to figure out.

Vinay
23-Dec-2011
Time : 15:53 GMT

If you are reading

Wrote this shite when I was real sleepy last night. Didn't know what on earth I was typing on my iPhone then. But I must admit, it was quite good when i read it this morning....






If you are reading this, I want you to know
That even after all this time I really haven;t let you go


I still think of you when I'm all alone
I still hope you'll call or message me as I stare at the phone


If you are reading this maybe then you'll see
That even after all this time you're everything to me


And I'm trying so hard to not become so sad
When I start to think about what we could have had


If you are reading this maybe you'll understand
How much it hurts me to see you hold someone's hand


But you won't know I'm sad, you won't know I want to die
Because I'm still pretending to smile even though I want to cry


And if you are still reading this, I hope you will see
That I'm still in love with you and it's slowing killing me






Vinay

Never Regretted

Well, it's been a little more than six months now since I had my first heartbreak. I guess I survived half a year and I think I will need all the courage and the will power to survive many more months that will eventually turn into years and perhaps decades until I heal completely.

Thinking back about the days I spent being with her for a brief few moments, I will never forget them and will never regret proposing to her. It did hurt being rejected right away, but I guess I needed it. It was lust, infatuation, and not really love that I had for her as I later began to think about it. Well, I guess I knew it was coming but I was never expecting to be hit so hard. I was pinned on my back. It was like being hit by a powerful heavy weight boxer who just delivered his best ever right hook punch on my face and I couldn't get up.

Recently, I was pouring out my tale of woes to a friend of mine who was patient enough to lend me his ear. Guess, having several round of drinks worked, as I talked a lot and I still happened to remember them all. He asked me a few questions and I thought a bit over it to realise what he was arriving at.

Did I ever feel any positives vibes or any positive energy radiating when I was with her? Call this vibes as a force, like Luke felt it in Star Wars. - No!

Did I feel that she encouraged me to do better and be a better person? - Well, somewhat but not really.

Did she come looking for me and felt lost when I wasn't around? - No!

Did she seem happy being with me and I being with her? - No to former and Yes to latter.

Did she do anything very simple for me that made me feel special? Be it anything like sharing a meal or a beverage from the same cup even it was a small sip? - No, never! (And he knows I don't like anyone dipping their used cutlery or even hands into my plate or sipping together from a cup, unless I really really dig that person be it a girl or a guy!)

Did she ever share anything about herself, maybe her past or what she feels right now or what she wants to do later? - No, never!

Was she always smiling and felt happy seeing me after a long while? - No!

Did she ever ask you how you day went at work or shared her day at work without you asking her? No! Well, I used to but I think she hardly listened. 

There you have it! What's wrong with you? Read the signals or signs and they are pretty clear, you fatheaded, moron, twat, idiot! If any or some of the answers were a Yes from the person's side, then there was some spark, a positive one to keep the flame going strong. Here there were none! It was all cold vibes and that was bringing you down and you were not aware of it at all.

I realised that it was all true. There was absolutely no spark between us. I was being selfish and was only thinking about me and being with her. Wasn't bothered about what she thought about me or liked me or even cared about me. Guess, he was right about it after all.

A few pegs downed and then he took control, in charge of the entire thing and I being more drunk than him, found it hard to keep quiet but I had to listen for I realised there was some drunk wisdom from one drunkard to another more drunkard.

He said (from what I remember vaguely after being extremely high on several rounds of beers, whisky, vodka, Jagerbombs, Tequillas, a few imported Cuban cigars) - 

Fall in love with that girl and give all you have to her when you feel that strong positive vibes between the two of you. It is these vibes and energy that will keep you both going stronger together. As you are Star Wars freak, and a big Darth Vader fan, but consider these vibes or energy as the good one that Master Kenobi, Luke Skywalker and Yoda talk about. Not the dark side of the force but the good one. You getting it? Good! It may take a while but eventually it will turn out well. Before you pop that question to her, ask yourself these questions I've asked you. If you feel there are more Yeses as you use your hunch, that is when you ought to pop the question. She may have had a bad experience in her past relationships and is a bit hesitant to take that step forward. This is where you should take that control and assure her that you are always there for her. You may not be able to make her forget her past, but make sure you'll never make her visit that past again. Accept her and her past wholly, embrace it, and never remind her of it, even when you have your share of fights with her however bad it may be. Give her a future she wanted but make it a good one and give her something more she never expected. That's how it should be. Say, you have proposed to her now. If the reply is a quick No, then you have felt the force in a wrong way. Is she is silent when you proposed to her? She is trying to use some time to reply? Just remember she is trying to figure out how to reply. If she is already seeing someone and hasn't told you about it, maybe she is feeling a bit insecure with him and is not certain if it will be him at the end. If this is the case, do not to break that relationship she has with that person for she may lose trust in you or anyone in fact and will forever be insecure. Talk to her, assure you're there for her, remain in touch but don't be a creep and don't be lecherous too. That will psyche her out and all that positive vibes will turn negative and if there was any chance you ever had, you will lose out completely and you will be back to square one. And the main thing is, you don't be an option to her. You should be her priority just as she is yours. That's the way relationships work. 

At the end, even if it doesn't work out, remember you gave it all you had and you could.  You're a good, generous, well mannered, big hearted, a very decent chap who means no harm. You're an amazing guy and we all are lucky to have known you. You have those rare qualities and it takes time for any girl to see through these and realise it. You have that love in you and I'm sure it will never be empty even if it's for the wrong ones. Just be yourself and don't ever change for anyone. You're honest and open and don't hold back any secrets once you really like that person and that's good. But too much of it is too bad as well. Just be yourself, never hide who you are in any relationship and knowing you, I don't think you should have this problem. Just be yourself and let things be and go as they are. Be confident, be positive and that will take you in the right direction for girls like these qualities in any guy. Girls feel safe and confident with you for they know you'll treat them nice and like a queen or a princess and they like that. Treat them as your best friend and not as just your girlfriend. Never treat them as a trophy or a prize you've just won. They don't like that either. Love starts between friends especially when they are best friends who share everything, their secrets, their thoughts, their past, their hopes, and so on. Be their best friend, their confidant, someone who can be trusted upon, and never break that trust and confidence. Build that trust and that will gain you a lot of love and respect from her. You are a very humourous person and you love to make others laugh. Use that skill with her and watch her falling in love with you. I know you are at times shy with girls, but I'm confident that it will work out well if you try hard enough.

This is my two pence of thought for you. Think about it and decide on your next steps. It will take time to find that right girl but I know you'll end up with someone who will be proud to have you. Be calm and be patient. And lastly, never regret loving someone, even if it's the wrong one. You have a good heart and keep that spirit going always. 

PS: the above delivery is only what I understood and remembered and is not exactly what he said. There are a few things I may have added or deleted but it is a gist of what he told me. 

Phew! I sat and listened to him slurring at times but I never interrupted him. At the end of that discourse he fell asleep and I was awake wondering what to do next. It was well past 4 am and I was thinking whether to sleep or to pour myself another tissue restorer and drag a puff of those tempting cigars until I drop dead. 

Will remember what he said and until then will close my heart to all and never allow anyone to enter. It will take time to heal and I know I'll heal soon. It was a miracle from Baba that I'm now in the UK on a one year assignment and this is helping me forget her. Although there are occasions I remember her as I see couples here cozying up and cuddling but  those feelings are lesser now. She is slowly becoming a memory and I hope she fades out soon. 

Like he said, I never regretted loving her very strongly. Tomorrow even if I meet some one with whom I shall share those strong vibes, and if it doesn't work out again, I shall still never regret loving her to, telling her that I am in love with her. Will try and apply whatever I heard from him and see how it goes. I know it requires patience and time. This is all I have and I can do for now.

Until then I guess I will wait for those strong vibes or that force to feel me, to search for me. And I know it will be soon and a powerful one too. She may be her normal self, but it is her strong vibes that will attract me and she may or may not be aware of it. But I'm sure she will understand me eventually and using that strong force we will be happy together. Until then, I'll just......

Vinay 

29-Oct-2011

02:45 GMT (London)

INDIANISMS!

Was tagged to this very interesting article. Thought of putting this on my blog page for perhaps people to see.

----------------------------------

Do one thing. . . just take a piece of chalk... and a duster... and write... and
We are a unique species, aren't we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do. Take greetings for example. A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, "What is your good name?" As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.
I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the 10 most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.

1. 'Passing out'
When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.
You do not "pass out" from that institution.
To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication. Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearing you've passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually "passing out" - but this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'
One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond. Revert means "to return to a former state."
I can't help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.
"Please revert at the earliest."
"Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today."

3. 'Years back'
If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."
Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched "ago" for "back" probably did it years back. See what I mean?
And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong like the autorickshaws in Bangalore asking if you want to go to the
railway station backside...when they mean the rear gate or entrance?
"So when did you buy this car?"
"Oh, years back."
"Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in."

4. 'Doing the needful'
Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left. Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar. You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.
“Will you do the needful?”
"Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too."

5. 'Discuss about'
"What shall we discuss about today?"
"Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar."
You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things. The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss." That would be like saying "talk about about." Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'
"Hey, let’s order for a pizza."
Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it. When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.
Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs? Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the "doing" word and added "for" to make sure their order would reach them. They must have been pretty hungry.

7. 'Do one thing'
When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong. "Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense. It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating.
There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.
“My computer keeps getting hung.”
"Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hard drive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... ."

8. 'Out of station'
"Sorry I can't talk right now, I’m out of station."
"What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now."
Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.
What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Bombay" or my favorite - "I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep
"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming."
"OK, say hi to it for me."
While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. "Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far. Your life isn't a poem. You don't have to give body cycles their own personalities.

10. 'Prepone'
“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”
Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?
"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries. Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.
We don't have the time to say silly things like "could you please bring the meeting forward."
Prepone it is.

There are many more pure grammatical "gems" in what we call Indian English. Perhaps in time I’ll list some more. And perhaps in the near future, we'll get better at English.
Till then, kindly adjust

Author Unknown

Love Is Blind

I always believed,
that love was blind.
But that theory was relieved,
since I was the one that was blind.

I contantly believed
that one day she would love me,
but I solely deceived
my heart's hope to be free.

Emotions faded away
below her mixed messages.
All that I had to say
was directly written on bleeding pages.

Love is something
this heart will never get.
My heart will lonely sing
poems filled with regret.

It is always the same story
but now I won't glimpse at the past.
Because my fate i can now foresee
forever i will be love's outcast.

Vinay
24-Jul-2011
Time : 1325 IST

An Introduction

Wierd!!!

Generally an introduction is written at the very begining. But, here its somewhere in the begining/middle/end. View it however you want it to.

Been thinking what to blog about these days for I rarely find anything interesting these days. Then an idea struck, why not write a little about myself. After all, I rarely get the time to talk about myself to others, for I find other stories are more interesting than mine.

Anyway here it goes, my personal bio

Given Name : Vinay Gokula
DOB: 16 May 1982
Place of Birth : Jamshedpur in Jharkhand. (Earlier it was a part of Bihar)

Interests : Now this can be fun.
Most of my interests are always short lived for reasons unknown.

Life's Harshest Lesson

Recently I learnt a few thing that i thought of sharing. These are something really painful and they have changed me forever. Rather than typing some shite story and lengthy passages, that runs into books, let me summerise in a few plain simple words.

1. When you are going through tough times, you then know who your real friends are. People will only inquire about it, but do they really care? The only ones who are concerned will try and help you out of it, not by just talking some shite stuff (all those useless philosophical stuff found all over the internet), but being with you all the time. Real friends will be with you and tolerate you even, if you say and do something bad, for they know that you really did not mean any of those stuff. I HAVE YET TO FIND ANY.

2. Never trust anyone in your life more than yourself. However close you feel they are to you, never do that. You never know, when they break that trust. When the trust is broken, everything else is on the loose. Things are never the same even if you attempt to repair it. Recently, this has happened to me. Trusted some who I thought were my dearest and closest. At the end, I lost someone whom I shall never forget in this life. Today, as I think abut it, I feel foolish for what I did.

3. Never ever express anything to anyone. When you do so, you never know the consequences. I once did it, and today, I realised, I should have shut my gob then. Things would have not got messed up so badly as it is today. However strong these expressions are, keep them yourself, even if it kills you. Its better that way than live with the aftermath that occurs.

4. Never ever do something playful like teasing, a prank etc to some people, however close the relations might be. You never know when it can tick them off. I once did it and its been a while since I heard anything from them.

5. Never expect anything in this bleeding life. The minute you set expectations and they do not happen the way its suppose to happen, it can mess up your life. How often has this happened to me? Sometimes I expect a lot of thing for a few people and situations. When these do not happen, they can be disastrous.

These are some of the things that I can remember off the top of my head. If there are more, will add them to the list.

These things have changes me and the way I think and live. People did comment that I've changed a lot, in the recent . But do they really know why I have changed or what caused me to change. They find you have changed because, you have stopped living the way they want you to live. Sometimes you ought to live for yourselves however hard it might be. Even if it means being lonely, so be it. At the end of the day, you need to live for yourselves and not for others. We were not born to be slaves and serve others.

Vinay
01-May-2011
Time : 2150 IST

Who Am I???

How oft am I asked this question?

"Where are you from? I don't think you are a South Indian. Are you a North Indian? Your Hindi is quite good!"

I'm then quite perplexed to answer. I then go on to explain who am I?

I guess there are a few of them who still do not know who am I. So here it goes for those who did not know me.

Well, I'm a Mangalorean Konkani with my ancestors hailing from Mangalore and nearby places (like Udupi, Kundapur, Cholpadi etc) commonly called as South Kanara. So I speak Konkani at home. (My mother tongue, Konkani, is atrocious at times. Only me mum can understand me at times, not always!) My family name is PAI. So ideally I should be named as Vinay Pai and not Vinay Gokula. I think even Vinay Gokula Pai sounds quite good. I was named Vinay Gokula by my father, Gokula B V. My mum wanted me to be named Vinay Pai, but dad had his way.

My paternal Grandfather (Dr. K Venkatesh Rao) came to Bangalore in late 1930s(?) to pursue his medicine in the reputed Bangalore Medical College (BMC). After graduating, he married my paternal granny (Krishna Bai, fondly called as Kittamma by many of them) and settled down in Bangalore. In early 1950s, my dad was born (third in line) here.

That's one side of my ancestors. Moving to my other side, yep my maternal side. My maternal Grandfather (C Vittal Kamath), moved to Jamshedpur in late 1940's (?) after graduating from Coimabtore where he pursued his Electrical engineering. He worked with TISCO, in Jamshedpur, all his life. After marriage, my maternal granny (Ganga) moved to Jamshedpur, from Udupi. My mother and my uncle, though born in Udupi (60 km from Mangalore), were educated in Jamshedpur. So, this place, is my mother's maika (hindi word for parents place).

After marriage, my parents settled down in Bangalore. I was born on May 16th, 1982, in Jamshedpur. This place is located in North Eastern part of India. So this makes me a North Indian by birth!!! After birth, I moved to Bangalore and was raised, educated and is working in Bangalore.

As I lived in Bangalore all my life (well, almost!), I know the local language, Kannada. Some say, then you must be a Kannadiga. Though, I do admit, my Kannada is also bad. So bad, that I rarely speak in front of my friends, in fear that they ridicule my Kannada speaking inabilities.

Every year, during my school days, all my summer holidays were spent in Jampot (or Jamshedpur), with my dearest Ajju and Mamama. Being in the North-Eastern belt, as Hindi is spoken widely, this is where I perhaps picked up Hindi (with a Bihari accent, perhaps). Hindi, was my second language, in both school (10 years) and college (2 years). Sometimes, I speak in Hindi with my mother.

My mother, as she was raised and educated in Jamshedpur, she speak mostly in Hindi with her brother. Her Konkani speaking was fluent only after her marriage as she had to speak to most of the relatives were Konkani speaking. So like her, my Konkani is atrocious, worse than hers!!!

When I speak to my mum or dad, I start off with Konkani and end the sentence in either English (with dad) or Hindi (with mom). It’s the same case with Kannada, though it ends in English. Its always been the case from childhood. My Kannada or Konkani, has a lot of either English or Hindi words mixed in it. So sometimes, when I speak to some of my friends, it’s a mix of languages. Thankfully, when I speak English, its quite ‘pure’.

That's with the Indian languages (Konkani, Hindi, Kannada and English!). Since childhood, I always wanted to learn German and finally found my way and I now I can speak some German, although its not very good as I have none to converse with! Need to focus once again and learn the language once and complete 3 levels of it. Wanted to try either French or Spanish, but I need to speak German well first rather than mumble something.

So at the end who am I? Some say I’m a Mangalorean for my ancestors were from hereabouts. Some other say, I’m a Bihari, for I was born in Jamshedpur (It was in Bihar then). Other say I’m a Bangalorean for I’ve lived here all my life. So sometimes, I’m puzzled. I do ask myself this question, often. How do I explain it in much simpler ways? Then I found the answer. It doesn’t matter whether I’m a Mangalorean or Bangalorean or a Kannadiga or a Bihari (or a Jharkhandi). I’m an Indian above all and is proud to be one. JAI HIND!!!

So now, WHO AM I? :)

Vinay
23-Apr-2011
Time : 1351 IST

A Cold Dark Corner

There's a cold dark corner in the back of my room,
it speaks to me and says I'm coming for you.

As I lie on my bed in the fetal position,
my eyes are closed hoping and wishing.

Maybe that one day my dreams will come true,
that I don't have to be here so down and blue.

The corner keeps talking about how I'm going to die,
all I can do is lie there and cry.

As the corner gets closer and takes me in,
my soul starts to burn as so does my skin.

My bones shall lie there turning to dust,
my bed surrounding nothing but rust.

Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 00323 IST

Given into Darkness

I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness
And I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear
I begin to see the water at eye level
And I kick but fail
Fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of it's hold on me
And I slowly begin to give in
To the feeling that lies below the water line
The waters starts to fill my lungs
The lungs that once held so much life
Yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
And pull me from darkness' grasp?
Because no one knows I stand at the boundary
The boundary between light and dark
So I give into the thing that hold me
All of the strength and all of the courage
That I once held in my heart
Can't save from the water
So I slowly slop below the world of conscientiousness
Undetected by the occupants of that world
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness.

Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 0031 IST

Choices

Why did I decide to change the course of my life?
I was impatient and naive that I let people take advantage of me.
My life has turned up side down and now it is crashing down.
I thought I could find love and hold it, blindly I went for it.
And tried to hold on to someone I thought felt the same.
But only cause myself heartache and pain.

I gave all that I had my mind and body and soul.
For what, only to be told that I was not the one she wanted to hold.
That I was just someone she could control.
Said she was ashamed to be seen with me.
You don’t know what that has done to me.
How stupid am I that I cry and cry.
Cry out why? Why?

Then I am reminded of the choices I had made.
Those choices have changed my life completely.
I have done this to myself.
No one is to blame.
I thought if I ignored the pain.
The pain would go away and things would change.

But I was wrong things have changed.
I do not feel the same.
For what was once love has turned to hate.
And now I must make my escape.

Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 0023 IST

Love. Is that what I crave?
If it is, then why can't I find it?

Hate. Does that mean anger?
If it does, then why do I feel hollow?

Pain. Does that mean suffering?
If it does, then why does it feel comforting?

Memories. Are they not images of the past?
If they are, why is there only shadows?

Smiles. Does that mean happiness?
If it does, then why does it hurt?

Life. What does it mean?
Should it mean any of these things?

If it doesn't, then why are they there?

PS: Couldn't find an appropriate title, sorry.
Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 0020 IST

This is ME

Can't you see
The pain in my eyes?
But this is me
And my life.
If you hold me close
You can hear my heart
It cries more than most
From being torn apart.
After every breath I take,
After every fight I witness,
I ask "why must I awake?"
Will I ever conquer forgiveness?
Can you ever truly
Forgive without forgetting?
I am lonely.
My life I am abandoning.
From pain I am running.
Even though these tears are streaming
I will never look back.
All in all,
I have one question to ask.
Would you still catch me if I fall?
Maybe one day you will see.
This is how I live,
And this is me.

Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 0017 IST

Who do you .....?

I’m crying my eyes out,
But no one can see,
Because it’s deep,
Deep inside of me.

What do you do when you want to turn back?
But you can’t because its
All just pitch black.

It seems as if my worlds at an end,
But yet it just began.

With all this pain deep inside
I can’t take it, I just want it to leave and say goodbye.
But it won’t and I have no clue why.

I have this feeling everyday,
And when people ask me,
Are you okay?
I just sigh and look away.

So....

What do you do when you want to turn back?
But you cant because its all just pitch black.

Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 0014 IST

Unseen

you are trapped in a cage..
no one sees it.. not even you..
you don't know what it's made of..
you don't even know where it came from..
but you feel it.. it's all around you..
it is full of strength
that it forbids you to move freely..
it separates you from your wisdom
and it strangles your thoughts..
you are robbed
but you don't know what was taken..
you're in a place
but you don't know where you're heading..
you don't even know how you got there..
or who has brought you there..
you know you've been through a lot
but your memories are distorted..
it is seizing you little by little..
you can't stay but you can't go..
you are trapped but no one sees it..
NOT EVEN YOU..

Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 0009 IST

On Depression

Depression is here everyday
And it never goes away
Go away! I yell into the dark
As if someone is there
I feel as if I'm a prisoner
In the dungeon's lair
And as always no one cares
Do I dare?
Dare to care about anyone but me?
Could it be,
Someone there?
Someone there to care?
No, just an image
That's the way it will always be
No matter how hard I try
I just want to get by
I go through life day by day,
I thought pain was supposed
To go away with time
But it's not
It's still here
Here with the fear
Fear that I will get hurt more

Vinay
13-Mar-2011
Time : 0007 IST

No ones there at the end.

you say your there for me
but when I really open up to you , you just don’t want to see
you act like you care
but when I have these thoughts and break downs I ring and your never there

you don’t know what It’s like, to want to die
take the rope, f**k life and hold on tight
when I tell you I want to die, it’s no word of a lie
its all building up, I’m weak, I just want to surrender the fight

I can’t sleep at night, can’t sleep anymore
my constant pain, my constant heart sore
all the thoughts of death, I have and suicide
I tell you about them, why do you expect me to hide

I thought you were the one I could turn to when it got to much
well you could of fooled me, my feelings you don’t want to touch
I will just stay away, I get it, crystal clear
but one day suicide will take over, then maybe you will realize my fear

it's ok, I get it, its not happening to you
so it’s not a big deal, get over it, let it pass through
here’s the thing I have to say, now it’s my turn to speak
never push, me to far
‘cuz one day I’ll be weak
and found shot dead in a car
please don’t push me too far

- Vinay
05-Mar-2011
Time: 0105 IST

Its YOU!

You gave me hope
And helped me to cope
When life pulled me down
You brought me around

You taught me to care
And helped me to share
You made me honest
With kindness the best

From you I learned love
With grace from above
It's for you I live
And I want to give

You are the reason
That fills each season
When I hear love I think of you
You are my world and best friend too

Vinay
17-Feb-2011
Time : 0027 IST

20 Things I LOVE ABOUT HER

I love the way she laughs
I love the way she’s kind
I love the way she smiles
I love the way she cares
I love the way she comfort others

I love how she looks
I love how she’s smart
I love how she’s helpful
I love how she talks
I love the way she feels for me when I’m sad

I love her name
I love her eyes
I love her smell
I love her confidence
I love her encouragement

I love the way she is
I love the way she hates me
I love our precious time together in dreams
I love her sweetness
I love that I love her so!

Vinay
17-Feb-11
Time : 0022 IST

Sorry Was Necessary

Remember, we had a fight
Last night, at eight.
We broke all ties
And went for heart rendering cries.
I thought that I was right
But now, I realize, it was my pride.
Between us, the gap has widened
The bond we were tied in has loosened.
On the roads, we stood
And argued as hard as we could.
Then we took different roads
Back to our abodes.

You were going,
Going far away
Without even looking or listening
To what I had to say
I ran to stop you
But I was late
The train, had already taken you
Away to a different state.

As I walked on the narrow street,
Kicking the stones with my feet
I asked myself -
"Was sorry the word, that was needed
Was it why, it was least heeded?"

I saw you sitting on the bench
Where for the first time we had met.
I ran to you with your favourite "Munch"
You would smile, I could bet.
But when I reached there,
I found you nowhere
Perhaps my hallucination.

I reached the road, where we had fought
For a long time there I stood and thought
"I had lost you forever
you would return never."

I realized
That night
"Sorry was necessary!"


Vinay
13-Feb-11
Time : 2248 IST

Tears

Those tiny little droplets that flow quickly down,
Have so much to say without making any sound.
They flood the eyes soundlessly until their holder goes red,
And release them drop-by-drop down the river bed.
Their silent tales of sorrow, pain, loss and hurt
Are told, as the tears, wash away all that dirt.
And once the sorrow is shared, the heart feels light,
Making it much easier for the person to enjoy a smile.

Vinay
09-Feb-11
Time : 0058 IST

Limericks (part 2)

Posting a few more Limericks that I wrote the other day just out of boredom.

1.

There was an old man from Darjeeling
Who boarded a bus bound for Ealing
It was written on the door
'Don't spit on the floor'
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling.

2.

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
Returned on the previous night

3.

A wonderful bird is the pelican
Whose beak can hold more than his belly can
HE can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'll be darned if I know how the hellican

4.

There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so incredibly thin
That when she assayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in!!!

5.

There once was a man of Esser
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser
It at last grew so small
HE knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor

6.

I knew an old lady, Miss Tripp
Whose nose had a permanent drip
One day I watched her at length
While a drip gathered strength
And fell, plop, on her fat bottom lip

7. (last one, hopefully)

There was an old man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He awoke through the night
With a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true


Lets see if I write any more in the future. If I do, will put them up

Vinay
22-Jan-11
Time : 0012 IST

A new name for my blogsite

After much thought and delibration, finally decided to come out with this name for my blogsite. If you feel that i can do any better, do let me know. the new address is

http://vinaygokula.blogspot.com/

I am known by my friends as Vinay Gokula. So better that my site contains my name as it is and not something else.

Vinay
08-Jan-2011
Time: 1835